gildings in this subreddit have paid for 9.45 months of server time

3 inche by Ben_Dover29 in comedyheaven

[–]enrichmentstudios 1964 points1965 points  (0 children)

Ok so here’s the deal: I jizzed my pants while reading this.

White and gold or black or blue? by b1uepear in comedyheaven

[–]somestupidname1 208 points209 points  (0 children)


White and gold or black or blue? by b1uepear in comedyheaven

[–]FourthAge 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is among the worst reasons to have a child. Some others include:

  • yeah this should fix our marriage
  • but who will take care of me when i'm old?
  • i'm in my late 30's now, time is running out!
  • i'll stop taking the pill and let god decide

my dad by Skepolo in comedyheaven

[–]carpetghost 3230 points3231 points  (0 children)

I remember waking up at night and going to get a glass of water in the kitchen. I could hear my dad whispering to someone. I peeked into the kitchen to find my father spoon feeding roaches to my tied up neighbor. He kept saying “Here comes the choo-choo” and my neighbor sobbed quietly with a mouth stuffed full of roaches

Mini-Wheat by GrosstenZweihander in comedyheaven

[–]SeriousSamStone 997 points998 points 3 (0 children)

I just shit and cum.


What does this mean?

The amount of shit (and cum) on my computer and floor has increased by one.

Why did you do this?

There are several reasons I may deem a comment to be worthy of feces or ejaculation. These include, but are not limited to:

  • Being gay
  • Dank copypasta bro, where'd you find it
  • walter

Am I going to shit and cum too?

No - not yet. But you should refrain from shitposting and cumposting like this in the future. Otherwise I will be forced to shit and cum again, which may put your shitting and cumming privileges in jeopardy.

I don't believe my comment deserved being shit and cum at. Can you un-cum it?

Sure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I put shit back into my butt. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot me a hot load explaining what I got wrong. I tend to respond to retaliatory ejaculation within several minutes. Do note, however, that over 99.9% of semen dies before it can fertilize the egg, and yours is likely no exception.

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Accept the goopy brown and white substance and move on. But learn from this mistake: your behavior will not be tolerated in my mom's basement. I will continue to shit and cum until you improve your conduct. Remember: ejaculation is privilege, not a right.

Something big by nemesistf2 in comedyheaven

[–]MemesAndMarlboros 100 points101 points  (0 children)

What like “beef stroking off”

Something big by nemesistf2 in comedyheaven

[–]Rarepep3s 6562 points6563 points  (0 children)


go white boy go by AbominableSnowDog in comedyheaven

[–]SortaBeta 390 points391 points  (0 children)

It’s a different kind of suck. Like in high school it’s like “I didn’t choose this why is this happening”

And in college it’s like “well well well if it isn’t consequences of my actions coming to kick my ass”

i will pray for you by blackhawksgoat in comedyheaven

[–]K4n0Y 7749 points7750 points 6 (0 children)

Thomas had never seen such bullshit before

penis poopie by hddaahsiaidhdkwunxcj in comedyheaven

[–]ShamylSAthat one weeb [M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

There's this thing called the sidebar, where we wrote some shit called rules. This post is in violation of them.

Here's the reason(s) why your post got yeeted:

Rule 3: Banned content

Must not contain banned content. Posts that contain content from the banned content list will be removed. The list includes tropes and memes that are deemed unsuitable for this sub.

Screenshots of comment threads from any website are also not allowed until further notice.

If you have questions, you can contact us through modmail.